ONE

Goodness, here we are. My sweet Leighty-bug is officially one. I had every intention of blogging more of her first year, but two kids is the real deal, y'all. It's such a strange thing having two children in two very different stages of life. One is close to taking her first steps and the other is about to start kindergarten. My heart feels like it's on a never-ending roller coaster.

But I'll save that for another day. Today I want to be sure to capture everything that is my sweet Leighton at this stage.

It's amazing to me how different my girls are already. Leighton is so loud and full of life. Even her adorable little babbling is at volume ten. She is so funny and ornery and Todd and I are often looking at each other with wide eyes thinking "what are we going to do with this one?" She laughs when we say no to her and lately when we say no, she just looks at us with a huge grin and nods her head yes. Such a stinker, she is. But she loves people. She's a cuddle bug and she falls asleep nearly every night cuddled with her sister. It is truly the sweetest thing.

Speaking of, she loves her sister. Adores her. She has two words that she says regularly and "Cos" is one of them. The other is hi. She says hi to everyone and everything. Where Crosbi at this age did not want any strangers talking to her, Leighton is quick to say hi to every person we meet.

Not quite walking, she's still incredibly mobile. When not crawling around the house, she's sneakily climbing the stairs before someone catches her. She has zero teeth but she's not afraid to eat anything. It's hilarious to watch her gum things like pretzels and crackers.

Leigthon is such a joy to our family. I know I've said it before, but she's truly the special final piece to our puzzle and we're all better for knowing and loving her.

Happy first birthday baby girl. We love you so much.

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The Days Are Long But The Years Are Short

Parenting is hard. Really hard. Just when I think I have a handle on things, I'm quickly reminded that I really don't have a clue. Crosbi and I are butting heads a lot lately. She's testing her boundaries and I'm getting irritated too easily. Sometimes I ask myself, "Why does this have to be so difficult?" And then I remember that I've been entrusted to raise a HUMAN BEING. I'm trying to mold another person who has her own thoughts and ideas and words that she's experimenting with everyday.

We had a hard night recently. She was in a bad mood, choosing words that she knew would hurt me. I took the bait and lashed out at her. It was ugly. I put myself in timeout, locking myself in my bedroom to cool off. She marched up to her room too and slammed the door (how does she know to do this at five?). 

A few minutes later she knocked and slid a note under my door. 

To mom. I love you a lot. You are my best friend. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Her note didn't change her consequences, but it did make forgiving her and asking her for forgiveness much easier. I'm thankful she's quick to apologize. I'm even more thankful that God is too. Because I had plenty of apologies myself. 

I'm learning parenting is hard because it forces me to deal with my own weaknesses, especially when I see them thrown in my face. But I'm also learning there's so much grace in it. Kids are quick to learn and they're quick to forgive. I'm hopeful that as long as we can let each other fail and quickly accept each other's apologies, we just might survive these long days and oh so short years.

xoxo

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Leighton :: Six Months

My baby is six months old! How? Why? I was told it feels like time goes even faster with a second child, but come on. This is crazy.

It almost makes me emotional to write this post. I love my little Leighty-bug so much. So much. It makes me emotional because when I was pregnant, I couldn't wrap my head around having enough love for two children. I really couldn't comprehend two little girls needing me as their mom and having enough of me to give. But man, having a second child has made our lives so full. Nothing turns a day around like a giggling baby. We're all so smitten.

Leighton might look like her sister, but as babies they're quite a bit different. Crosbi was definitely sleeping through the night at six months. This time? Yeah, I've forgotten what sleep is. Is that a thing? I was up three times last night. I haven't had a full night of sleep since I was pregnant. By God's grace I somehow have the energy to make it through the day, but poor Todd, by 9pm I'm done.

She's also taking her sweet time in most things. Crosbi was above the curve in every developmental milestone. She rolled, crawled, walked, and talked well before the books said she should be doing those things. Leighton has rolled over four times. FOUR. It's not that she can't, girl just doesn't want to. She sits up on her own like a champ and her fine motor skills are pretty impressive. She's been picking up her paci (and anything else she sees laying around) and putting it in her mouth for a long time. She's just now starting to scoot backwards when she's on her belly. She's not in any kind of hurry. At first I was concerned, but I truly think now that we're seeing a huge glimpse into her personality. She is so laid back. Nothing really bothers her. She does things in her own time and it's kind of a nice change of pace from her sister who's five going on fifteen.

 I can't believe we're more than halfway to her turning one, but I also can't believe she's just been with us six months. We can't imagine life without her.

Happy six months my sweet Leighton. You sure make life fun.

xoxo

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Bringing It Back

Happy almost New Year! I've decided to dust off the blog and bring it back to life in 2017. I'm sure the two people who read it (hi JP and Aunt Terry!) will be really excited. Ha!

I've been thinking a lot about the coming year. I haven't chosen a word to help guide my year in a long time, and a word very clearly came to me as this year was coming to an end. In a way, I think the word chose me. I've decided that 2017 will be my year of "authenticity," so my word is 'Authentic.' My prayer is that this word will guide my steps as I navigate the year ahead.

To start, I'm going to really cut back on social media. My goal is to step away from Facebook for the entire year. I'm not going to beat myself up if I find myself mindlessly scrolling, but I'm going to try to keep myself from logging in. I still love Instagram, but I'll limit my time there as well. I want the people who know what is going on in my life to be people who see me face-to-face. And that goes for my friends as well. I want to hear about their lives over coffee and play dates, not over the five inch screen of my iPhone.

I'll turn 35 this year, which feels close to creeping up on 40. I want this year to be the year I feel most at home in my own skin in all areas - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to eat good food, exercise more (lots of Pilates and barre - I'm not a runner and I don't like yoga and that's okay). I'm an introvert and a homebody and for most of my adult life I've felt guilty or ashamed of that. I'm not a hermit, but I love being home playing with my girls. I love to work from home and I love decorating our house. Not because I want to show it off, I do it for the three people who share my home with me. If my girls grow up appreciating a cozy, beautiful home, I'm good with that. It's one of the ways I love on my family and there's no need to apologize for it. I'm going to stop saying yes to invitations where my only reason for saying yes is the fear of missing out or because I'm trying to keep up with my extroverted friends. This year will be quality over quantity.

This past year was all sorts of emotional because of the stress of the election. I've seen friends become ex-friends and families at each other over politics. I'm going to be true to who I am and my beliefs and I want to be more involved politically, although I don't quite know what that means, but I also want to be full of grace. I want to love my friends and family well who didn't vote like me. A person isn't identified by their political party and I want to be able to understand where a person is coming from, not judge them. This goes back to why I'm quitting Facebook. I had to unfollow friends and old colleagues because of their political rants, not because I didn't care about their opinions, but because I wanted to like them in spite of their opinions. It's amazing how an unfollow created an abundance of grace. I immediately felt love for those people when my interaction with them was in person and not behind a screen.

This year I hope to be my most authentic self. I have nobody to impress. I'm doing work I love. I adore my family and I have friends that mean the world to me. Why would I want to try to live my life in a way that looks any different? I wish I had asked myself that question ten years ago. I'm tired of pretending I'm cool or that the number of friends I have is more important than the depth of the friendships. My girls don't need to go to the best school in the area. Heck, Crosbi can already read, so I think we're going to do okay wherever she is. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm boring and go to bed early, but when I'm around the people I love, I have all I need.

This month I had some great practice being authentic and it opened my eyes to how I've been doing it wrong all these years. A few weeks ago we hosted about 25 of our neighbors for our neighborhood's annual Christmas progressive dinner. I wanted my house to look perfect, I wanted to make amazing food from scratch, and I wanted to be the perfect host. I bought cute wrapping paper in hopes that our Christmas presents looked Pinterest-worthy under our tree. Leading up to the dinner, our schedules became crazy. Crosbi and Leighton were both fighting colds and I could barely make it to the store. The day of the party none of the gifts were wrapped, it was all I could do to get the floors swept and I hadn't bought all the things I needed to make my elaborate meals. I looked around and for a split second thought if I rolled up my sleeves and got to work I could get it all done. But instead I realized I couldn't do it and that I didn't want to do it. I wanted to be true to me and that meant I had to know my limits. So I shoved all the gifts under my bed, I picked up the house the best I could, and we bought premade frozen appetizers for our guests. And you know what? We had so much fun that night. I felt like I was living Shauna Niequist's theme of "present over perfect" and fully understood that she was onto something.

So here's to 2017 and a life lived authentically. To being proud of my family and my work without needing to boast about either one on social media. To saying no when saying yes will just make me feel exhausted. To intentional time with my girls, especially since Crosbi starts Kindergarten in the fall. To deep friendships, not a busy calendar. To more time in God's word. More time taking care of myself and most importantly, more time seeing people for who they really are, not what a few sentences on a computer screen might say about them (or what others might say about them). To being truly authentic.

Aaaaaaand, to writing more about my girls because man I love to go back and read posts about my babies.

Happy New Year!

xoxo

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Leighton :: One Month

It's only fair that I attempt to regularly update life with a new baby. I don't want to hear "poor second child" the rest of my life. Ha! 

I have to admit, having a baby for the second time feels so much easier than it did the first time around. I don't know if it's because I'm much more confident or if Leighton is just incredibly easy, but we found our groove really quickly. She's a great eater, a good sleeper, and rarely if ever cries. I could have described Crosbi the same way as a newborn, but I was so overwhelmed by the major life change that I didn't realize how good I had it. Now that I have a handle on caring for a baby, I'm like give me all the babies! Except that we're done having babies. For real.

Leighton will be seven weeks old tomorrow, so before I forget, I wanted to capture her first month.

At her two week appointment, she weighed in at 9.2 pounds, nearly two pounds up from her birth weight and about an inch taller. 

At over six weeks we're starting to see smiles more regularly. I can't think of many things better than baby smiles.

Crosbi is obsessed with her. Obsessed. Driving us all crazy obsessed. She wants to hold her all day long. She's constantly about an inch from her sister's face and feels the need to wake her up the moment she falls asleep. Thankfully Leighton doesn't mind a bit. 

It's been a busy month. We took our first road trip to Missouri where Leighton met her great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. She saw her first baseball game (bad idea), but my sister and I got a good laugh out of it when both of our babies cried the whole way home. She went to her first cookout at the creek on Todd's family farm, and we even took her to the county fair. Quite a lot for a baby. We may try to slow it down a bit. 

At a month old, it appears that she really likes... to be held or cuddled + her sister + bath time + eating + naps.

While not super exciting just yet, Leighton has stolen our hearts. We're all smitten, and as cliche as it sounds, we just can't imagine life without her. We're so thankful she's here!

 

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She's Here! Leighton's Birth Story

I'm dusting off the ole' blog to share the birth story of our newest addition, Leighton Mabrey Stepp. She came fast and furious on Monday, June 28th at 1:28pm, weighing in at 7 pounds 6 ounces and 20 inches long.

Leighton's birth was completely different from Crosbi's and possibly slightly controversial in that I had an elective induction. I read many pregnancy forums where women basically said it was the worst possible thing you could do to your baby. That makes a person feel great. But I knew early on that I wanted to induce and felt incredible peace about my decision throughout my pregnancy. I had several reasons for my choice:

*I knew for sure I didn't want to go past 40 weeks. Crosbi was five days late and nearly nine pounds, and the last two weeks of my pregnancy were so miserable. I was in so much pain and not sleeping at all. I didn't want to put my family through that again. We induced the day before my due date.

*We live 45 minutes away from my hospital with no traffic. Second babies are known to come quick (which Leighton did!) and I was not about to deliver her on the side of the road. 

*Our closest family members are a good eight hours away. My mom is even further in North Carolina and I really wanted to have a plan in place for Crosbi. Leighton's due date was so close to July 4th that I was panicking a bit that I would go into labor over the holiday weekend when friends are traveling or have other plans and getting to Nashville could be difficult with holiday drivers on the road or back-ups at airports.

*Lastly, I was lucky enough to experience a "spontaneous" birth with Crosbi. My water broke at home, I had contractions in the car on the way to the hospital and was able to have a completely normal vaginal birth. My doctor was confident that my induction would be smooth since it was by second baby. I wouldn't have even considered it if it was my first (as you may remember with Crosbi).

Back to the story...at 5:00am, Todd and I packed the car, kissed our sleeping Crosbi goodbye, and made our way to the hospital. I will admit that even though I was confident in wanting to induce, I was anxious on the way to the hospital. I second guessed my decision because it felt so strange to know I would be having a baby that day but not feeling any labor symptoms at all. 

At 8am I was checked in and the nurse started my IV and pitocin. The IV may have been the worst part of my entire labor. The nurse blew a vein in my hand (ouch) and had to redo it in my arm. My arm throbbed the entire day. By 10am my contractions were regular but manageable. Todd encouraged me to go ahead and get my epidural so I could sleep, but I was nervous because I wasn't in any real pain yet. I went ahead and agreed to the epidural so that I could rest. While I don't regret getting it early (as you'll see later), the epidural was pretty painful. Because I wasn't having strong contractions, I could feel everything. I was so distracted with pain during Crosbi's birth that I didn't even feel the needle. Not the case this time.

Once the epidural was in place, the doctor put in my catheter and checked me. I was dilated 4 centimeters. An hour later (yes, just an hour!), I asked that my epidural be checked because I could feel the catheter and it was making me uncomfortable. Little did I know that it wasn't the catheter, it was the baby. I was dilated to a nine and the nurse was calling for my doctor. I will never forget the look Todd gave me when the nurse said it was time to push. We were thinking we would have hours before it was time. My doctor arrived and with one push (more like one and a half) Leighton was here. Her incredible quick delivery was such an answer to prayer and affirmation that we made the right decision for her birth. My labor was so quick that there is a good chance I wouldn't have made it to the hospital in time for not just the epidural, but possibly her birth. In an hour I went from 4 centimeters to holding my daughter. It's still surreal to me!

We spent the next few days recovering at the hospital. Leighton gave us a couple of choking scares and turned blue twice. I was a mess both times. The doctor's think it was due to her quick delivery and not having a chance to get the amniotic fluid out of her system. The pediatrician encouraged us to stay an extra night to monitor her, and thankfully she was much better by the third day and we headed home. 

We are so obsessed with our newest family member. My fears of not being able to love two, although real, were unnecessary. I'm head over heels and seeing Crosbi with her sister is a joy I can't explain. She completes our family in the best way.

Welcome to the world, Leighton Mabrey. You are so loved.

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Thirty-One Weeks And A Little Perspective

I'm thirty-one weeks into this pregnancy and I'm not going to lie, I'm ready to be done. This week hasn't been an easy one. All of the normal discomfort of the third trimester has hit, but a couple of nights ago I woke up sick. And I didn't make it to the bathroom. Yep. 

I know that's not the picture of a glowing pregnant woman anyone wants to hear about, but it's my reality. I wish I was one of those women who felt strong and confident and loved every minute of pregnancy, but it's just not me. But I've learned that it's okay to not be that woman. We're all made so differently. Pregnancy is hard on my body. However, it reminds me that at my core, I'm really weak and that's actually a good thing. I can easily start to think that I'm in control of my life. I can set goals and work hard and often, though not always, things work out the way I hope they will. But pregnancy is a much needed humble reminder that I have no control whatsoever. I can't make my body not get sick. I can't make my body not gain weight (and oh how I've tried this time!) and I can't will myself to feel rested. I've cried out for help so many times the past few months. Ironically, while the pain and sickness haven't disappeared, I've felt God so close. Pregnancy brings me to my knees. When I can't bear to look at the woman I've become in the mirror, I have to remember where my worth comes from. When I feel like I can't go on one more day, I'm forced to remember that my strength comes from Christ alone. I don't enjoy pregnancy (like, at all), but it's so sanctifying. My pregnancy with Crosbi completely changed my life and my faith and this time around is no different. 

The day after my unfortunate not making it to the bathroom episode, I felt done. I needed a day to reset. Crosbi and I stayed home and had a lazy day of coloring and watching movies. She wanted to draw a picture for me and I was blown away by her art. 

It's the two of us with a heart in the middle. It was all I could do not to cry. The hard, sanctifying work of pregnancy brought me the greatest gift: my incredibly caring and loving baby girl. I looked at her picture and reminded myself that I would do all of it over again for her. The months of sickness, the pain and discomfort. She's worth it. So worth it. And soon her sister will be here and I'll say the same about her. The beauty of it all is that's how Jesus feels about me. He took the cross, the pain, the discomfort because he knew the other side. He saw me and said I was worth it. 

Perspective is an amazing thing. I don't enjoy this. I would be thrilled if it could be over tomorrow, but I'll hang on to my belief that this is as much about me understanding God's love for me as it is welcoming another life into our family. And today I'll be just a bit stronger.

xoxo

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Wrong Words and Other Ramblings

I have done a really poor job blogging about this pregnancy. Poor second child! I think that's mainly because once I got out of the dreaded first trimester, this pregnancy has felt so similar to my first. I'm carrying the same, gaining weight (like crazy) the same. My denial is the same. I don't really have anything new to add this time around. They say all pregnancies are different, but so far that hasn't been the case for me. The only difference I can really find this time is my age. It's pretty wild how much a person can age in four short years! I really feel like a woman in her almost mid-thirties carrying a baby and physically it feels harder. I don't think I was "over it" with Crosbi until I hit nine months. I'll be 29 weeks this week and if this baby was fully developed and ready to meet the world, I would be ready to go. I miss my old body in a fierce way. But as much as I'm ready for the pregnancy to be over, I'm thankful that my body carries a baby with little issue. My doctor has spread out my appointments longer than typically suggested because I'm boring basically. I'm more than okay with that.

Crosbi's feelings about the baby change by the day and as we get closer, I notice her really thinking through the changes and how she will be affected and some days it breaks my heart. There are days when she can't wait to feed and change the baby, and then there are days like a day earlier this week when she told me she didn't want us to have a baby anymore. She said she wants it to just be the three of us because she doesn't want me always taking care of the baby. She's been acting out a bit more than normal and I think it's because she's processing the change that's happening already. I know it's completely normal, but it makes me sad. She's my girl. She has my heart and the changes coming scare me too. But I know it will all work out and when we meet this baby our family will feel complete. My focus will just go from loving one well to being intentional with two. Never did I think I would be a stay at home mom, but in this season, I'm beyond thankful that I am. I will have my babies with me each day to pour into. I know there will be really, really hard days, but there's nothing else I would rather do. 

Speaking of Crosbi, each day she grows up a bit more and all of the words she used to say incorrectly are now correct. Another sign that she's getting further and further away from the baby she used to be. But there are a few words she still says wrong and when she says them, it puts the biggest smile on our faces. 

My favorites these days:

Barvie (Barbie) 

Rester-not (restaurant)

Soupcase (suitcase)

Alfin and the Chickmunks (Alvin and the Chipmunks)

Love that girl. 

I'm pretty pumped I'll get to hear lots of wrong words again in the coming years. Crazy.

xoxo

 

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Crosbi Says...

I'm going to call this edition of Crosbi Says "She is so my child."

Because seriously. She is so my child.

Me: How was school today?
Crosbi: Good. We did centers.
Me: Which center is your favorite?
Crosbi: Lunch. Because I'm always hungry.

Crosbi: Mommy, I'm going to do something so exciting! I'm going to clean the whole house!

Crosbi: Mommy, can we listen to your songs (aka the Sam Hunt record)? They're my jam.

Crosbi eating sausage pizza: I love pizza. I mean, I like pizza, but I really love sausage. -- Says the girl who asked for sausage for her third birthday.

I overheard her playing with her dolls...
"Oh that's a pretty dress, but it's not my color."

I have to admit, it's a little scary knowing how much of my personality she picks up on and imitates. I have to really watch what I say and do these days. But really, what's not to love about a girl who loves good food, a clean house and Sam Hunt?!

Four is the best age.

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It Takes A Village

 Be very careful never to forget what you have seen the Lord do for you. Do not let these things escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren. - Deuteronomy 4:9

It really does take a village and I'm oh so thankful for mine. It's incredible how powerful words are. The past couple of weeks I have had words shared with me that have stopped me in my tracks, dropped me to my knees, and left me praising my God. All because people who care about me have shared their wisdom and kindness.

When I was pregnant with Crosbi, one of my deepest prayers was that she would find community with women who would lift her up and encourage her, and this week I'm reminded just how important that prayer still is. Not just for me and Crosbi, but now for her little sister. That's right, if you missed it, we're having another girl!

Last week we had our big 20-week ultrasound and discovered that our newest family member is a little girl. The emotions I had about having another girl were all over the place. But God amazed me with his faithfulness. Within minutes my phone was flooded with texts from my mom to best friends to old coworkers who were praying for me and with me, reminding me that God has a perfect plan and that he had always planned for me to be the mom of girls. I had friends share with such vulnerability their thoughts when they first learned the gender of their babies, and I have to say, those words moved mountains for me. God spoke through them to remind me how much he loves me and my family and I went from shock to celebration almost immediately.

Then just yesterday, He did it again. I've shared that adding another child has been a bittersweet reality as I think of how it will change my relationship with Crosbi. I still have days where I'm overcome with fear and sadness when I think of having to divide my time. Yesterday was one of those days. Before I jumped in the shower, I turned on a Taylor Swift playlist and the first song to play was "Never Grow Up." Word to the wise, do NOT listen to that song when you're a 5-month pregnant woman with crazy hormones. I lost it. Sobbed like a baby. All I could think about was how fast the past four years have gone by and how quickly Crosbi is growing up. I thought, will she ever know how much I've loved her during this time? Will she ever understand how much she means to me? (And now I'm crying as I write this...).

As I got out of the shower I heard my phone vibrating and thinking it was Todd, quickly ran to check it. It wasn't Todd, it was my Aunt Terry and her words were so timely that I know without a doubt God was speaking to her for me:

"I wanted to let you know that when I was pregnant, I also wondered how in the world I could ever love another as much as I loved the first...I remember thinking that so well. Believe me, your heart grows big enough to love so much."

What?! Is there a camera in my bathroom? How did she know? I told her I was literally just having a breakdown and her timing couldn't have been more perfect. I also told her my fears that Crosbi won't know how much I love her. Her response:

"You're correct. Crosbi will not know how much you love her until the day she has a child of her own. On that day she will know."

Cue tears forever.

But just like that, her words struck my heart and I knew God was comforting me with them. One of the greatest ways for me to deal with my fear is to know that I'm not alone. I don't know a single woman who hasn't expressed some sadness or worry about how adding another child will change their family. It means even more when they encourage me with their own stories. It's as if God himself comes down to say, "Tara, it's going to be okay. Look at these women in your life. I'm going to do the same for you."

I'm so thankful for my village. I'm thankful for the women in my life who feel a tug at their hearts and share their wisdom with me. I'm thankful that not only are they carrying me, they are going to be such amazing examples to my girls. My girls. It's still sinking in, but I'm not nearly as afraid.

Nineteen weeks left and counting. Let's do this.

xoxo

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Another Stepp

As I revealed on social media, we are expecting another baby. Another baby!! I'm still in shock. It's funny the texts/calls/emails I've received. "How are you feeling?" "Did you want another baby?" Completely understandable questions. Before I dig into how I'm really feeling, I really want to be honest. Truthfully, brutally honest this time. Not because I want to remember hard times, but because I have gone back and read all my pregnancy posts with Crosbi and as I read through them, I think, "That's not how I really felt at all!" A lot of what I wrote during that season was exactly what was on my heart...but I also wrote what I expected people would want to hear. If this blog is going to be a tool for my kids later on, I want them to know my true heart...not my sugar coated thoughts.

So here we go.

Were we trying to have another baby? Not exactly. No permanent measures had been taken, so we always knew there was the possibility, but we were really happy with our family of three. Nothing felt missing, if that's the question.

How did I know I was pregnant? I was crying about everything. The day I took the test, I had been in a company wide meeting...a state of the union basically, and I couldn't stop crying about company updates. I sat there thinking this is ridiculous. What is wrong with me? I left work and went to Kroger and took the test in the Kroger bathroom. I was positive I was pregnant. No need to wait to take it at home.

How did I feel about being pregnant again? I had so many mixed emotions. I was really thankful/awestruck that there was another little life inside me, but my younger sister is pregnant and I didn't want to steal attention from her. I was terrified of what the next few weeks/months would bring knowing how sick I was with Crosbi. I researched everything and tried anything I could to avoid severe morning sickness. Nothing worked.

The hardest part was coming to terms with Crosbi not being my only baby. I've explained this to my friends, but I think it has been so hard because I never thought we would have another baby, so I had no issue investing my whole heart into hers. It was always just going to be her, and giving her my all was an easy choice. The moment I saw the two pink lines, it felt like she had been ripped away from me. That sounds dramatic, but I was heartbroken. I couldn't look at her without crying and I would break down multiple times a day when I thought about her having to share me.

How am I feeling now? Much better. It's hard to think rationally when you're extremely sick. With Crosbi, I had horrible sickness. It's been different this time, but just as awful. With her I would throw up 10-12 times a day until around 18 weeks. But as horrible as that was, I would have relief in between trips to the bathroom. This time I haven't thrown up nearly as much, but have felt constantly sick. Imagine having the stomach flu for 3 months, not knowing when it will end. It's hard. Exhausting, frustrating, scary, hard. It's also hard when others don't understand. I felt like this time around family members expected me to suck it up or that my medicine would magically make my symptoms disappear. If only. I was told that if I took Tums I would be better in no time (right, because that would be much stronger than the prescription medicine I was currently taking). Or if I was physically getting sick I would be asked, "Well did you take your medicine?" Yes. Yes, I did. But my medicine just helps take the edge off (some days). If it completely cured pregnancy sickness, I would have gotten pregnant a long time ago. I felt a lot more isolated in my "morning" sickness this time. I'm so, so thankful to be on the other side of it now.

Okay, enough venting! How am I really feeling now, as in today? I feel hopeful. My sickness is practically behind me with the help of my medicine. My energy is starting to return and I've come around to the idea of being a family of four. The irony is that Crosbi has helped me the most. She is so excited about being a big sister. Her excitement has rubbed off on me and I couldn't be more thankful. She can't wait to hold and kiss the baby. She wants to change diapers (but not the poopy ones!) and has asked if she can lay in the crib with the baby while it naps so the baby isn't lonely. She's constantly thinking of baby names and talks to my belly. I really can't wait to see her as a big sister. This baby is so lucky to have her.

Todd is really excited, and that makes me excited too.

It's going to be a journey, that's for sure, but my head isn't quite as cloudy and I'm not as hormonal and now I'm fully on board. This baby might have been a surprise to us, but God wasn't surprised and I know in the coming months/years I will look back and I won't be able to imagine a life before there were four of us. I have no doubt about that.

So, to my loved second child, should you read this some day, know this: While you gave me and your daddy quite the shock with your impending arrival, and you made me really sick, know that I wouldn't go through this for anyone else. You will be the puzzle piece of my life that I never saw coming, but always needed and my greatest surprise.  I'm in awe that God would give you to us. I just can't wait to meet you. Welcome to the family.

xoxo

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Crosbi Says...

This girl of mine. She makes my heart hurt, I love her so. Today she asked to hear her current favorite song over and over...and over in the car today. I couldn't say no because inside I'm praying the words wash over her and that as she grows she really believes them.

I hear a voice and it calls me redeemed

When others say I'll never be enough

And greater is The One living inside of me

Than he who is living in the world

I love hearing her little voice sing these words. Especially because she thinks the words "he who" are so funny.

When she's not singing her heart out in the car, she's saying all kinds of things that make me smile.

On a walk, Crosbi found some hedge apples that had fallen and wanted to play with them.
Me: Those don't look so great. They're starting to rot.
Crosbi: Rot? Like rot and roll?

Referring to our house I said, "I'm so glad I get to share this home with you!"
Crosbi: You're welcome.

Me: What's that all over your arm?
Crosbi: Marker. I was making a tattoo. But I tried to wash it off because I talked to myself and I said, would mommy want me to make a tattoo?

Me: You need to pick up your toys and get ready for bed.
Crosbi: My heart says I want to keep playing.

Goodness, she's fun.

xoxo

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Surrender

Because life can be completely random and God is hilarious, I was asked to speak to a large group of women at a conference in Orlando last week. I'm still laughing about it. When I got an email asking if I could help with a "Women In Radio" event, I literally thought they needed people to volunteer for cleanup. For real. So before I even knew what the request was, I said, "Sure! I can help with anything you need. Just send me the details."

Famous last words.

I was asked to speak for three minutes about my purpose as a woman and how that purpose translates into being in radio from a record label perspective.

Gulp.

I had two days to decide what I would talk about. I know three minutes isn't long, but I was sweating. Surprisingly though, the words for my talk came quickly. A huge part of my story involves my leaving the record label world (and my dream job) to step out in obedience to stay home with Crosbi. It was God asking me to surrender my goals and dreams for His plans and how that season of staying home, while incredibly challenging, was one of the sweetest seasons of my life. I also spoke about how my trust in God was honored and my dreams restored with my return to the music industry. Because God is good. Surrendering is good.

Except it's not easy. The irony in all of this is that my talk on surrender was more for me than anyone else. I find myself in another season of not knowing how things will work out. I don't know what the future holds, but I know my current setup isn't working for my family. I'm being faced with the decision to surrender again. And it's scary.

But God is so quick to remind us of His goodness. Just this morning He reminded me again that His plans are better than mine.

I haven't shared this story on my blog, mainly because I haven't found the time, but I want to remember this:

When Todd and I first started looking at land, we found a lot on a private lake and we were smitten. Then reality hit and we came to our senses. It was way over our budget. So we continued to look and found a little acreage in a neighborhood. The perfect compromise for the two of us: Todd wanting to be in the middle of nowhere, me wanting other humans around. We kept an eye on the "perfect" lot for a full year. We walked it over and over again. We took our parents to see it. We met the next door neighbor.

Because the lot had sat untouched for years, we took our time. We got our finances in order, we sketched floor plans, we daydreamed about life in the country. Then just days (literally days) before we made an offer on the land, our realtor called to tell us there was another offer on the table. We found ourselves in a bidding war that we knew we weren't going to win. We were devastated. Our former house was already under contract and now we didn't know where we were going to go.

There was another lot on a hill that we knew was for sale, but had never looked at, and sure enough, others were looking at that lot too. In desperation, Todd drove over to look at it by the light of a flashlight and on hope and a prayer, we made an offer on the land we now live on. Here's the funny thing. Before we broke ground, we brought our parents back out and they all said we had lucked out. That we actually got the better lot. Todd and I were having a hard time believing it. We felt like we had been left with less than our best. But we were wrong. The longer we live here, the more we know this is exactly where we were always supposed to be.

One of the first mornings in our house, I tip-toed upstairs early for some quiet time and I was greeted by this view:

And just today, when Todd walked out the front door for work, this view:

The same view from the other lot would have been the front of the neighbor's house across the street. We didn't get less than His best. Not even close.

Things feel really uncertain and I don't know how everything will ultimately play out, but I know God has this. I know I can trust Him. And I know the view is so much better when I do.

xoxo

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The Times Are Changing And So Am I

I'm struggling to write this post. The words are there, but it could come across in ways I don't intend. Even so, I want to remember this season and I know I'll look back at this post in the years to come. I'll want to be reminded of what God was doing in my heart and how he used a three year old girl to teach me about true love. Warning - this is a bit lengthy.

I'm working quite a bit now. I have the luxury to work from home a majority of the time, but I'm working nearly full-time hours. There are two reasons I'm okay with this. One, I know this is just a season. I can't keep this pace up forever and by God's grace, at this point in our lives and finances, I know I won't have to. Second, working more means I have been able to put more money towards our new house than we originally planned and I've been able to contribute to furnishing it without adding any additional debt. All good things.

With more work means more child care required. It doesn't sit well with me to work away on my computer while Crosbi plays alone or to use the TV as a babysitter. Because of that, she's now enrolled in two part-time preschools. Both are just two half days a week, meaning she goes four days a week. One of the preschools she has gone to since she was just shy of two years old. It's a dream school. I love the staff, Crosbi has made incredible friendships, and I've even made some really great friendships with other moms. The preschool is in a church and the values being taught to my daughter are invaluable. She's not only learning about the love of Christ from the curriculum, but her teachers demonstrate God's love in ways that make me tear up just thinking about it. I'll be sad the day she begins Kindergarten and we say goodbye to her church school.

This summer I knew I had to add some additional care, and I knew another two-day school would be the best fit for our family. I had another church in mind, but I just couldn't get myself to pull the trigger. Then I remembered a school I had heard about when we first moved to Nashville that had only been described as "magical." Outdoor and imaginative play are the primary goals. I can get on board with that. But I also knew this school was pretty liberal. This is not a "Christian" school. This school is open to all children from all backgrounds. I went ahead and enrolled Crosbi and paid the enrollment fee to save her a spot so I could give it more thought.

A few weeks before school began, I panicked. I threw the registration papers away. The school is too liberal, I can't have her going there. But now I didn't have a plan. I would need to find a nanny. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement.

In bed one night I tossed and turned, not able to sleep. Stressing about my childcare situation, I asked God to make His plan for Crosbi known. I picked up my phone to search preschools when I saw the email that the first month of tuition at the "magical" school had already posted. That was a pretty clear indicator that things were already in motion for Crosbi to attend.

At open house, I hesitantly walked in. As a mom, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was the J.Crew to a world of Urban Outfitters. A Chevy to a land of Subarus (literally!). In other words, I was the least "hippie" mom there and it was obvious. Shortly after entering the building we met other children and quickly met a little girl in Crosbi's class who had come with her two moms. As someone who prides herself on loving others and being the hands and feet of Jesus, I was surprised by my reaction. I smiled and engaged in conversation, but in my head, I was done. No way was Crosbi going to school here. I can't have her going to a school like this. She's three years old. We're not ready for these conversations.

Wow.

Where did that come from?

My heart. My ugly, fearful heart.

In church the week before, our pastor had said that if the last ten people we had called on our phone look like us, have the same skin color, are in the same tax bracket, etc,. then we're not doing it right. God didn't call us to love the people that are just like us.

Gulp.

After leaving the open house, I had to really humble myself and ask God for direction. He made it very clear that this school would stretch my family and that running away was not what He was asking me to do.

On the second day of school, the teachers told me that Crosbi was really drawn to the little girl with two moms. This little girl is a bit younger and smaller than Crosbi, and Cros has gone out of her way to love on her. The teacher told me that when the little girl was playing by herself or felt left out, Crosbi would come to her and hug her or hold her hand.

I wish I could say I jumped for joy, but my fear took hold. Of all the kids in this class, Crosbi would be drawn to this one? In the car I asked Crosbi what she liked about her new friend. Her response shook me to my core:

"I don't know, mom. I just really love her."

Crosbi is oblivious to the situation. She doesn't understand the family dynamic of this little girl. She just loves her. No stereotype, no fear. Just love.

God is wrecking me in the best way during this season in our lives. He's using my sweet girl to get me outside of my own head, my fears and judgment. He's reminding me that he made all of us in His image and that He never ran from those that were different. In fact, He was drawn to them.

My prayer these days sounds something like this:

Lord, help me to love with childlike love. Help me to follow my daughter's lead when she's more in tune with your Spirit than I am. Use this season to teach my family what the love of Christ truly looks like. Make us more like you.

I'm so thankful for a God who doesn't leave us in our mess. I'm especially thankful that he would use a spunky three year old, who I have the blessing of calling my daughter, to do His best work.

xoxo

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Here + There

It's August. How is it August? Also, we move next week! In some ways it feels like we were never going to get here, and in other ways...well, I haven't packed a thing. I'll add packing to my never ending to-do list. This season has been a whirlwind. A new house, lots of new work for me, and life with a three year old has made my head spin, but we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't wait to open our doors to friends and family. We took friends to see our home today (wanting so badly for them to be our future neighbors), and it felt really good to say, "Come on in! Make yourself at home." I didn't realize how much my heart aches for hospitality until I couldn't have friends in our home. Asking people to be quiet because the neighbors might hear doesn't quite scream hospitality.
#apartmentliving

One more week. We can't wait!

Until then, we'll say goodbye to July and the memories we made. A beach trip, night out with the girls, family in town, and lots of outdoor time made for a fun month. Well, minus the broken arm part (as seen in the photo above).

Yep, she broke it again. Just days after telling her I signed her up for soccer this fall, Crosbi decided to get a head start on practicing and took a tumble over the ball. My girl is giving me a run for my money.

So long, July. You were a good one. Except for the broken arm. That part wasn't so good.

xoxo

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Crosbi Says...

Just popping in for a quick update. Life has been cray-zee. I have said yes to too many of the good things, but I'm not completely certain they're the best things. Being an adult is for the birds sometimes. But we're all still alive and kicking and trying to enjoy this summer amidst the craziness. We just got back from a beach trip to see my mom in North Carolina and now we're anxiously waiting to move into our home. We're less than a month out and couldn't be more excited. Life is good. It's messy and hard at times, but we're healthy. We have a roof over our heads and family and friends that love us. It's all so good.

You know what else makes life so good? Conversations with my daughter. Man, she's the best.

When she's not making up songs to sing (her lyrics are very much inspired by One Direction). She's saying things like...

"If I see a bug, I'm going to get my shoe and dead it."

Me: Crosbi, where's your dad? (Knowing he's in the other room).
Crosbi: "He's probably in a meeting."

"In the new house, I think God and Jesus are going to give us a dog and a cat."

Crosbi's preschool just started show and tell on Tuesdays. Crosbi tells me she loves bringing her toys to "Show Hotel."

Speaking of hotels, we're currently living in an apartment, but we have stayed in a few hotels this summer. A couple of weeks ago, Crosbi let me know that she told her friends at school we live in an apartment, and sometimes a hotel. Her sweet teachers probably think things have gone from bad to worse over here. Too funny.

This might be my favorite age yet.

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Here + There

It's been ages since I've written. I thought it was time I pop in and give a little update on what we've been up to lately.

The first question we get asked these days is "how is the house coming along?" I kinda love that question. This has been such a fun time of dreaming about our future in our home in the country. It has been all kinds of stressful, but it has been really great too. I'm not the most creative person. I don't draw or paint in my spare time. When it comes to fashion, I stick with the basics. Nine times out of ten you'll find me in jeans and a v-neck tee. And flip-flops of course.

But my creativity kicks in when it comes to my home and I've wrestled with that a bit. I have a pretty specific vision in my head for how everything will come together and it's hard to not think about what others will think. I'm constantly thinking about how I'll respond when someone says, "Why did you pick those counter tops? I wouldn't have chosen that paint color. You really spent too much money on this. I would have invested more in that." It can be kind of crippling. But I'm learning as I go and I know that there will be things we wish we would have done differently. There will be things we'll want to change the day we move in, and that's okay. That's the great thing. It's a blank canvas and we can make changes as our seasons in life change. Will Crosbi's room always include shades of pink? Probably not. Will styles and trends change? Always. For me, I'm letting my creativity be influenced by the season we're currently in and I'm 100% okay with that.

But where are the photos?! Here's a sneak peek.

The first floor is framed! Actually, this was taken several days ago and now the second floor is going up and our garage is completely framed out. Our house looks bigger than it actually is because we're on a hill. Our future neighbor asked if it was going to be three floors. Definitely not. About 2-3 feet of the concrete that is visible will be covered by our yard once the dirt is spread out. 

As much as I'm excited about the house, my eyes go right through the house to those trees. TREES! Our last home didn't have a single tree. I'm counting down the days until I'm sitting on our back patio, watching the sun go down behind all those shades of green.

In the meantime, we're plugging away in our apartment. We are beyond blessed to have the temporary living space we have, but we miss so many things about having a home. I miss grilling so badly I can barely stand it. Even though I don't cook anything on a grill, (that's Todd's domain) it has been such a big part of our lives to eat outside to the smell of a bbq. I miss watching Crosbi play in the yard and ride her tricycle up and down the street. That isn't really possible in our current setup. So to make up for that, we try to spend as much time out of the house as we can.

We took a last minute trip to Atlanta to check out Shake Shack and visit Ikea and other great outlet stores (hello Pottery Barn and Williams Sonoma Outlets!). We've hit local festivals and just this past weekend we took Crosbi camping for the first time.

Crosbi had her last day of preschool this week and yesterday Todd and I celebrated ten years of marriage. It's amazing to both of us the life we've lived the past ten years, but I think I would be okay if the next ten are at a much slower pace.

Crosbi is still making us laugh daily. She's currently obsessed with One Direction. It's pretty amazing, actually. She can hear a song and tell you when each band member is singing by name. "That's Harry! That's Zayn!" I love it because I was the same way (oh that's Justin, and that's JC! - you NSync fans will know what I'm talking about). And this isn't by video. She does this by ear, listening in the car. She knows every single word to 17 of their songs. I just counted. We joke and roll our eyes, but it's pretty much the best thing ever.

She loves playing rester-not (restaurant) and has really started getting into Disney princesses and My Little Pony. She knows what she likes for sure. My little girl isn't so little anymore.

So that's where we've been! It's very likely we'll be moved in the next time I find time to post, but only time will tell.

xoxo

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Old House

We moved out of our house just a little over two weeks ago and in some ways it already feels like a lifetime ago. We've been going non-stop since we said goodbye to our house and we really haven't had the chance to think about everything that's happening. We're currently navigating apartment life while we wait for our new home to be built. Apartment living with children is not for the faint of heart. It's been a bit of an adjustment, but we're making the best of it. Once the pool opens this summer, we'll be smooth sailing I'm sure.

Because we've been so busy, I haven't really stopped to think about our "old house" as Crosbi calls it. We packed and got out so quickly that it sort of felt more like a dream than reality. The other day in the car Crosbi said she wanted to go to her "old house" and I was reminded that it really was a special place for us. Todd and I bought that house when we were 24 and 25 years old. We didn't have a clue what we were doing. We spent over seven years there. We both started our careers, brought home a baby, and practically grew up in that home. We have so many memories with friends and family. There were marks on the carpet from the Super Bowl parties we hosted every year. There's a small stain from when one of my best friends jumped up and down (while holding a cup of coffee!) after hearing I was pregnant. I smiled every time I saw it. There was a mark in the bathroom from when my sisters were experimenting with hair color. It's the little things that make a home.

But I'm also at such peace about our future. When our buyers had their final walk-through, their realtor told ours that the husband and wife both had tears in their eyes as they walked through what is now their home. Hearing that, I knew our season in that house was officially over. It belonged to them, the new owners, to make their own memories. I pray the memories they make are as sweet as ours.

I didn't post many photos of our home. I did a post on Crosbi's bedroom and our bonus room makeover, but I'm not one to do a "house tour." However, I do want to remember our old house. The photos our realtor had taken make me smile. I'm sure I'll come back here many times to relive old memories. These photos were taken when our home was at its best, but I can still picture the dirty laundry and dishes in the sink. The puzzle pieces in the floor and crayons on the kitchen table. We were really blessed by our first home.

I'm more than excited to start creating a home in the country, but I know now more than ever that it's not the size or style. It's not the furniture or the accessories. It's the love and memories that fill a house that make it a home.

Goodbye old house. You sure were good to us.

xoxo

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Life Lately :: January & February

I'm not sure I'll do a "thankful" post each month. It was such good accountability to blog more and looking back on those posts sure does cure the blues on a rough day, but the next few months are going to be pretty crazy, so I think I'll stick to doing recaps here and there.

I just had all of our (mine and Todd's) Instagram photos from 2014 printed in a photo album. Can't wait to get my hands on it. I love posting my photos here, but I really like having a book to flip through. When I was little, I practically had my grandmother's photo albums memorized. I knew which photos would be coming up next. I spent so many hours flipping through them and I want Crosbi to be able to do the same.

But, I'm still proud of this little blog. The other night I had a hard time falling asleep, so I pulled up Crosbi's birth story. Todd's version too. Yes, we could have written those things in private journals, but it's not as easy to pull out a journal at 3am in the dark when you're in need of reading material.

I'm rambling. Basically I'm trying to say I'm still going to blog as often as I can because even if I write for an audience of one, I love having this little time capsule.

And while I'm not off to the best start for 2015, here's what we've been up to lately:

Crosbi is quite the performer. She loves to sing. I will barely have the car started before she's asking for her favorite songs, and listening to Spotify or Pandora is a constant in our home. Her current favorites are Taylor Swift, Francesca Battestelli, Jamie Grace, For King and Country, and "the girl and the boy" also known as Love & The Outcome. I envisioned her having a love for music when I was pregnant, but to see her fully embrace music has been such a gift. And I'm telling you, if you want to start conversations about faith, God and Jesus, play Christian music in your home. She is already asking us things like, "Why did Jesus die? What does she mean He's holding us? Is God singing with her?"

Because Todd and I both work in the music industry, she does have a bit of an advantage. Todd jokes that she's not going to know what to do when we take her to a show where she can't watch from backstage!

It feels odd to post photos of us outdoors. The past two months have been so strange with sickness and bad weather. My mom visited in January and she just happened to time it to arrive between two weeks of sickness. First the flu, then the stomach bug. And with the weather we've had this month, I think I can count three solid weeks in the past two months where we didn't leave the house. Spring, we're ready for you! But we're thankful for those rare moments that we were able to get out and enjoy the sunshine.

I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I'm doing contract work for my friends at Sony / Provident Label Group. It's so fun to be back with them for a little while. But what's the first thing they do? Send me to Seattle on a trip for an album release. I'm definitely rusty at traveling solo these days. It's hard to believe how much I was on the road just a few short years ago. While it was a bit lonelier than I remember, it was good to catch up with old friends. Plus, it was Seattle. No complaints there! I'm a fan of that city.

The rest of our time has been filled with fun preschool parties, snow days, and lots of time playing inside. We've been in the South too long. This cold weather stuff just isn't in our blood anymore! It's been fun to see snow, but I'm ready for typical Tennessee weather.

So that's January and February in a nutshell! We close on our current house in a little over a week. Lots of adventures to come. So glad I have this little piece of the internet to remember it all.

xoxo

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