I’m not one to stress about getting older. In fact, most of the time I welcome it. I’m one of the rare ones who looks forward to turning 30. My whole life I have looked much younger than my age, and I can’t wait to see the look on faces of people who say, “You’re 30?!” I will respond with, “Why yes, I am a capable and mature 30 year old. Now take me seriously.”
But this year, I’m dreading my birthday. When I turned 20, I put a timeline on my future. Who does that? Apparently I do. The year I turned 28 would be a defining time in my life. I would be settled down; I would be climbing the corporate ladder; I would take steps necessary to become a mom. I would be a grown-up.
I turn 28 next week. A week from today. That number is glaring me in the face. I’ve been a monster to be around. Ask Todd. I feel overwhelmed, pressured, and not at all where I thought I would be at 28. I know that Todd and I have accomplished so much before this milestone year (buying our first house, getting grown-up jobs, etc.) But lately I’ve been questioning everything. Do I love my job? Is this what I want to do for 10 more years? 5 years? 6 more months? I don’t know. Am I ready to be a mom? I think so, but I’m terrified. It may take immaculate conception at this point. This birthday really snuck up on me and it feels like it’s me against my age.
I know it’s unhealthy to put timelines on my life – I know God’s timing is not my own (thankfully!) and that everything will fall into place when it’s supposed to. I do feel a natural shift in my desires and goals and I know God will carry me through. I just wish as a teenager I would have put 29, 30 or 31 as my defining year. But in the end, the things I fear are inevitable. I am going to get older. My priorities are going to change. And I’m going to be okay.
With age comes wisdom, right?
Well from a Mom.... you are NEVER ready to become a Mom! Even if you think you are you don't have any idea! But I will say that I have NEVER been this happy in my whole life. And, coming from someone who looks a lot younger and longs for the day when I can be a grown up too.... It's nice to hear, " You have kids?" Yep. That's right I am responsible for another human life who is thriving... Take ME seriously!
ReplyDeleteI know at times in my life, God has shown me where I am supposed to go and fear gets in the way. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of losing "control" and leaving the plan up to Him.
But you know, as well as I, that there's no better place to be!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!
i don't have a birthday coming up, but i HAVE been feeling the same way. i think i've switched career plans at least 10 times and i still don't feel settled...or like i'm in the place i fit best.
ReplyDeletethat's ok i guess, but i just thought at 25, those kinds of things would be decided! hmmmmm.
anyway, happy almost birthday!!
I have felt the same way too :) I put the same pressure on turning 31 - my self-proclaimed ideal age. But are we ever exactly where we want to be? But from this view, I think you're making quite a lot of your life! You have done so much and are an inspiration to many people. You love people well. That is saying a lot!
ReplyDeleteAlso I echo what Emily said about being a mom. I will admit I was scared to death for years before we had a baby. But now I honestly can't imagine not having her. At some point you'll decide to take the leap and it'll be great :)
ReplyDeleteI love you. I wish I would have read this earlier.
ReplyDeleteYou are an incredible woman, and I do know you are exactly where God wants you to be today. As for tomorrow - and 28 on Friday - there is so much opportunity and promise available to you in any direction you choose. And God's timing is already all planned out for you - and it's perfect. You are living your life well, and I am so proud of you and inspired by you.
I can't wait to celebrate you on October 1, 2010 - all that has been, and all that is still to come. 28 is going to be a great year. I can feel it.