My New Life (and a conversation with God)

I took a long walk. The breeze was crisp, but not a cloud in the sky. I breathed deeply. It felt nice to be alone with my thoughts and have the sun on my face. Crosbi wouldn't need to eat for at least an hour and I was going to soak in the fresh, spring like air.

I should have been anxious. I should have been going over my to-do list in my mind. So much to do before Monday morning. I should have been feeling bad for taking time for myself, not wanting a single moment away from Crosbi. I should have. But I didn't. It wasn't necessary.

It wasn't necessary because Monday will be like all the other Mondays we've enjoyed these past 14 weeks.

I quit my job.

I could give the long, detailed story as to how I made that decision, and truthfully the simplest and most honest is this: God told me to. But I would be naive to think that everyone who stumbles across this little blog would know what I mean by that. No, he didn't audibly say, "Tara, you must quit your job." But as with most relationships, actions speak much louder than words. So I thought I would document our "conversation" over the past few weeks.

Me: God, I can't do this. I can't leave her. My heart can't take it.
God: I'm not asking you to leave her.
Me: We can't afford it. I've crunched the numbers a thousand times and they just don't add up.
God: Out of nowhere, Todd is offered a new job with his company and a raise.
Me: I just signed up for a flexible spending account for childcare. We will lose a lot of money.
God: HR tells me we will only have to use the small amount we had paid in and it's completely reimbursable.
Me: My job covers all of our insurance and we turned down Todd's plan when Crosbi was born. We can't go the rest of the year uninsured.
God: Todd's HR says his insurance will pick up where mine leaves off.
Me: But we'll still come up short. Really short. I have to contribute something.
God: Our pastor calls, asks if I can work at our church two days a week. With practically free childcare.
Me: But I can't leave the music industry. It's too important to me. Who am I if I can't say I work for Sony?
God: You are My child and Crosbi's mother. Roles that should not be taken lightly.
Me: Speechless.

Isn't God so gracious to provide when we need Him? I don't take for granted this blessing. I know so many moms that would do anything to stay home with their little ones and for whatever reason are not able to. I know I don't deserve this opportunity. All I can offer as a thank you is my full commitment to raise Crosbi to know her Savior. He has called me to an incredibly important role and I don't take it lightly.

Todd and I don't have the perfect life. I don't want to ever come across as if we do. It's not going to be easy with me staying home. We have to cut back a lot. Budgeting has a whole new meaning now. But I'm more than okay with that.

I'm so thankful for this new life. So thankful to spend my days with my girl.

So thankful for a God who knows us better than we know ourselves.