April 27, 2016

Thirty-One Weeks And A Little Perspective

I'm thirty-one weeks into this pregnancy and I'm not going to lie, I'm ready to be done. This week hasn't been an easy one. All of the normal discomfort of the third trimester has hit, but a couple of nights ago I woke up sick. And I didn't make it to the bathroom. Yep. 

I know that's not the picture of a glowing pregnant woman anyone wants to hear about, but it's my reality. I wish I was one of those women who felt strong and confident and loved every minute of pregnancy, but it's just not me. But I've learned that it's okay to not be that woman. We're all made so differently. Pregnancy is hard on my body. However, it reminds me that at my core, I'm really weak and that's actually a good thing. I can easily start to think that I'm in control of my life. I can set goals and work hard and often, though not always, things work out the way I hope they will. But pregnancy is a much needed humble reminder that I have no control whatsoever. I can't make my body not get sick. I can't make my body not gain weight (and oh how I've tried this time!) and I can't will myself to feel rested. I've cried out for help so many times the past few months. Ironically, while the pain and sickness haven't disappeared, I've felt God so close. Pregnancy brings me to my knees. When I can't bear to look at the woman I've become in the mirror, I have to remember where my worth comes from. When I feel like I can't go on one more day, I'm forced to remember that my strength comes from Christ alone. I don't enjoy pregnancy (like, at all), but it's so sanctifying. My pregnancy with Crosbi completely changed my life and my faith and this time around is no different. 

The day after my unfortunate not making it to the bathroom episode, I felt done. I needed a day to reset. Crosbi and I stayed home and had a lazy day of coloring and watching movies. She wanted to draw a picture for me and I was blown away by her art. 

It's the two of us with a heart in the middle. It was all I could do not to cry. The hard, sanctifying work of pregnancy brought me the greatest gift: my incredibly caring and loving baby girl. I looked at her picture and reminded myself that I would do all of it over again for her. The months of sickness, the pain and discomfort. She's worth it. So worth it. And soon her sister will be here and I'll say the same about her. The beauty of it all is that's how Jesus feels about me. He took the cross, the pain, the discomfort because he knew the other side. He saw me and said I was worth it. 

Perspective is an amazing thing. I don't enjoy this. I would be thrilled if it could be over tomorrow, but I'll hang on to my belief that this is as much about me understanding God's love for me as it is welcoming another life into our family. And today I'll be just a bit stronger.


April 11, 2016

Wrong Words and Other Ramblings

I have done a really poor job blogging about this pregnancy. Poor second child! I think that's mainly because once I got out of the dreaded first trimester, this pregnancy has felt so similar to my first. I'm carrying the same, gaining weight (like crazy) the same. My denial is the same. I don't really have anything new to add this time around. They say all pregnancies are different, but so far that hasn't been the case for me. The only difference I can really find this time is my age. It's pretty wild how much a person can age in four short years! I really feel like a woman in her almost mid-thirties carrying a baby and physically it feels harder. I don't think I was "over it" with Crosbi until I hit nine months. I'll be 29 weeks this week and if this baby was fully developed and ready to meet the world, I would be ready to go. I miss my old body in a fierce way. But as much as I'm ready for the pregnancy to be over, I'm thankful that my body carries a baby with little issue. My doctor has spread out my appointments longer than typically suggested because I'm boring basically. I'm more than okay with that.

Crosbi's feelings about the baby change by the day and as we get closer, I notice her really thinking through the changes and how she will be affected and some days it breaks my heart. There are days when she can't wait to feed and change the baby, and then there are days like a day earlier this week when she told me she didn't want us to have a baby anymore. She said she wants it to just be the three of us because she doesn't want me always taking care of the baby. She's been acting out a bit more than normal and I think it's because she's processing the change that's happening already. I know it's completely normal, but it makes me sad. She's my girl. She has my heart and the changes coming scare me too. But I know it will all work out and when we meet this baby our family will feel complete. My focus will just go from loving one well to being intentional with two. Never did I think I would be a stay at home mom, but in this season, I'm beyond thankful that I am. I will have my babies with me each day to pour into. I know there will be really, really hard days, but there's nothing else I would rather do. 

Speaking of Crosbi, each day she grows up a bit more and all of the words she used to say incorrectly are now correct. Another sign that she's getting further and further away from the baby she used to be. But there are a few words she still says wrong and when she says them, it puts the biggest smile on our faces. 

My favorites these days:

Barvie (Barbie) 
Rester-not (restaurant)
Soupcase (suitcase)
Alfin and the Chickmunks (Alvin and the Chipmunks)

Love that girl. 

I'm pretty pumped I'll get to hear lots of wrong words again in the coming years. Crazy.