The Days Are Long But The Years Are Short

Parenting is hard. Really hard. Just when I think I have a handle on things, I'm quickly reminded that I really don't have a clue. Crosbi and I are butting heads a lot lately. She's testing her boundaries and I'm getting irritated too easily. Sometimes I ask myself, "Why does this have to be so difficult?" And then I remember that I've been entrusted to raise a HUMAN BEING. I'm trying to mold another person who has her own thoughts and ideas and words that she's experimenting with everyday.

We had a hard night recently. She was in a bad mood, choosing words that she knew would hurt me. I took the bait and lashed out at her. It was ugly. I put myself in timeout, locking myself in my bedroom to cool off. She marched up to her room too and slammed the door (how does she know to do this at five?). 

A few minutes later she knocked and slid a note under my door. 

To mom. I love you a lot. You are my best friend. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Her note didn't change her consequences, but it did make forgiving her and asking her for forgiveness much easier. I'm thankful she's quick to apologize. I'm even more thankful that God is too. Because I had plenty of apologies myself. 

I'm learning parenting is hard because it forces me to deal with my own weaknesses, especially when I see them thrown in my face. But I'm also learning there's so much grace in it. Kids are quick to learn and they're quick to forgive. I'm hopeful that as long as we can let each other fail and quickly accept each other's apologies, we just might survive these long days and oh so short years.

xoxo

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She's Here! Leighton's Birth Story

I'm dusting off the ole' blog to share the birth story of our newest addition, Leighton Mabrey Stepp. She came fast and furious on Monday, June 28th at 1:28pm, weighing in at 7 pounds 6 ounces and 20 inches long.

Leighton's birth was completely different from Crosbi's and possibly slightly controversial in that I had an elective induction. I read many pregnancy forums where women basically said it was the worst possible thing you could do to your baby. That makes a person feel great. But I knew early on that I wanted to induce and felt incredible peace about my decision throughout my pregnancy. I had several reasons for my choice:

*I knew for sure I didn't want to go past 40 weeks. Crosbi was five days late and nearly nine pounds, and the last two weeks of my pregnancy were so miserable. I was in so much pain and not sleeping at all. I didn't want to put my family through that again. We induced the day before my due date.

*We live 45 minutes away from my hospital with no traffic. Second babies are known to come quick (which Leighton did!) and I was not about to deliver her on the side of the road. 

*Our closest family members are a good eight hours away. My mom is even further in North Carolina and I really wanted to have a plan in place for Crosbi. Leighton's due date was so close to July 4th that I was panicking a bit that I would go into labor over the holiday weekend when friends are traveling or have other plans and getting to Nashville could be difficult with holiday drivers on the road or back-ups at airports.

*Lastly, I was lucky enough to experience a "spontaneous" birth with Crosbi. My water broke at home, I had contractions in the car on the way to the hospital and was able to have a completely normal vaginal birth. My doctor was confident that my induction would be smooth since it was by second baby. I wouldn't have even considered it if it was my first (as you may remember with Crosbi).

Back to the story...at 5:00am, Todd and I packed the car, kissed our sleeping Crosbi goodbye, and made our way to the hospital. I will admit that even though I was confident in wanting to induce, I was anxious on the way to the hospital. I second guessed my decision because it felt so strange to know I would be having a baby that day but not feeling any labor symptoms at all. 

At 8am I was checked in and the nurse started my IV and pitocin. The IV may have been the worst part of my entire labor. The nurse blew a vein in my hand (ouch) and had to redo it in my arm. My arm throbbed the entire day. By 10am my contractions were regular but manageable. Todd encouraged me to go ahead and get my epidural so I could sleep, but I was nervous because I wasn't in any real pain yet. I went ahead and agreed to the epidural so that I could rest. While I don't regret getting it early (as you'll see later), the epidural was pretty painful. Because I wasn't having strong contractions, I could feel everything. I was so distracted with pain during Crosbi's birth that I didn't even feel the needle. Not the case this time.

Once the epidural was in place, the doctor put in my catheter and checked me. I was dilated 4 centimeters. An hour later (yes, just an hour!), I asked that my epidural be checked because I could feel the catheter and it was making me uncomfortable. Little did I know that it wasn't the catheter, it was the baby. I was dilated to a nine and the nurse was calling for my doctor. I will never forget the look Todd gave me when the nurse said it was time to push. We were thinking we would have hours before it was time. My doctor arrived and with one push (more like one and a half) Leighton was here. Her incredible quick delivery was such an answer to prayer and affirmation that we made the right decision for her birth. My labor was so quick that there is a good chance I wouldn't have made it to the hospital in time for not just the epidural, but possibly her birth. In an hour I went from 4 centimeters to holding my daughter. It's still surreal to me!

We spent the next few days recovering at the hospital. Leighton gave us a couple of choking scares and turned blue twice. I was a mess both times. The doctor's think it was due to her quick delivery and not having a chance to get the amniotic fluid out of her system. The pediatrician encouraged us to stay an extra night to monitor her, and thankfully she was much better by the third day and we headed home. 

We are so obsessed with our newest family member. My fears of not being able to love two, although real, were unnecessary. I'm head over heels and seeing Crosbi with her sister is a joy I can't explain. She completes our family in the best way.

Welcome to the world, Leighton Mabrey. You are so loved.

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Thirty-One Weeks And A Little Perspective

I'm thirty-one weeks into this pregnancy and I'm not going to lie, I'm ready to be done. This week hasn't been an easy one. All of the normal discomfort of the third trimester has hit, but a couple of nights ago I woke up sick. And I didn't make it to the bathroom. Yep. 

I know that's not the picture of a glowing pregnant woman anyone wants to hear about, but it's my reality. I wish I was one of those women who felt strong and confident and loved every minute of pregnancy, but it's just not me. But I've learned that it's okay to not be that woman. We're all made so differently. Pregnancy is hard on my body. However, it reminds me that at my core, I'm really weak and that's actually a good thing. I can easily start to think that I'm in control of my life. I can set goals and work hard and often, though not always, things work out the way I hope they will. But pregnancy is a much needed humble reminder that I have no control whatsoever. I can't make my body not get sick. I can't make my body not gain weight (and oh how I've tried this time!) and I can't will myself to feel rested. I've cried out for help so many times the past few months. Ironically, while the pain and sickness haven't disappeared, I've felt God so close. Pregnancy brings me to my knees. When I can't bear to look at the woman I've become in the mirror, I have to remember where my worth comes from. When I feel like I can't go on one more day, I'm forced to remember that my strength comes from Christ alone. I don't enjoy pregnancy (like, at all), but it's so sanctifying. My pregnancy with Crosbi completely changed my life and my faith and this time around is no different. 

The day after my unfortunate not making it to the bathroom episode, I felt done. I needed a day to reset. Crosbi and I stayed home and had a lazy day of coloring and watching movies. She wanted to draw a picture for me and I was blown away by her art. 

It's the two of us with a heart in the middle. It was all I could do not to cry. The hard, sanctifying work of pregnancy brought me the greatest gift: my incredibly caring and loving baby girl. I looked at her picture and reminded myself that I would do all of it over again for her. The months of sickness, the pain and discomfort. She's worth it. So worth it. And soon her sister will be here and I'll say the same about her. The beauty of it all is that's how Jesus feels about me. He took the cross, the pain, the discomfort because he knew the other side. He saw me and said I was worth it. 

Perspective is an amazing thing. I don't enjoy this. I would be thrilled if it could be over tomorrow, but I'll hang on to my belief that this is as much about me understanding God's love for me as it is welcoming another life into our family. And today I'll be just a bit stronger.

xoxo

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Surrender

Because life can be completely random and God is hilarious, I was asked to speak to a large group of women at a conference in Orlando last week. I'm still laughing about it. When I got an email asking if I could help with a "Women In Radio" event, I literally thought they needed people to volunteer for cleanup. For real. So before I even knew what the request was, I said, "Sure! I can help with anything you need. Just send me the details."

Famous last words.

I was asked to speak for three minutes about my purpose as a woman and how that purpose translates into being in radio from a record label perspective.

Gulp.

I had two days to decide what I would talk about. I know three minutes isn't long, but I was sweating. Surprisingly though, the words for my talk came quickly. A huge part of my story involves my leaving the record label world (and my dream job) to step out in obedience to stay home with Crosbi. It was God asking me to surrender my goals and dreams for His plans and how that season of staying home, while incredibly challenging, was one of the sweetest seasons of my life. I also spoke about how my trust in God was honored and my dreams restored with my return to the music industry. Because God is good. Surrendering is good.

Except it's not easy. The irony in all of this is that my talk on surrender was more for me than anyone else. I find myself in another season of not knowing how things will work out. I don't know what the future holds, but I know my current setup isn't working for my family. I'm being faced with the decision to surrender again. And it's scary.

But God is so quick to remind us of His goodness. Just this morning He reminded me again that His plans are better than mine.

I haven't shared this story on my blog, mainly because I haven't found the time, but I want to remember this:

When Todd and I first started looking at land, we found a lot on a private lake and we were smitten. Then reality hit and we came to our senses. It was way over our budget. So we continued to look and found a little acreage in a neighborhood. The perfect compromise for the two of us: Todd wanting to be in the middle of nowhere, me wanting other humans around. We kept an eye on the "perfect" lot for a full year. We walked it over and over again. We took our parents to see it. We met the next door neighbor.

Because the lot had sat untouched for years, we took our time. We got our finances in order, we sketched floor plans, we daydreamed about life in the country. Then just days (literally days) before we made an offer on the land, our realtor called to tell us there was another offer on the table. We found ourselves in a bidding war that we knew we weren't going to win. We were devastated. Our former house was already under contract and now we didn't know where we were going to go.

There was another lot on a hill that we knew was for sale, but had never looked at, and sure enough, others were looking at that lot too. In desperation, Todd drove over to look at it by the light of a flashlight and on hope and a prayer, we made an offer on the land we now live on. Here's the funny thing. Before we broke ground, we brought our parents back out and they all said we had lucked out. That we actually got the better lot. Todd and I were having a hard time believing it. We felt like we had been left with less than our best. But we were wrong. The longer we live here, the more we know this is exactly where we were always supposed to be.

One of the first mornings in our house, I tip-toed upstairs early for some quiet time and I was greeted by this view:

And just today, when Todd walked out the front door for work, this view:

The same view from the other lot would have been the front of the neighbor's house across the street. We didn't get less than His best. Not even close.

Things feel really uncertain and I don't know how everything will ultimately play out, but I know God has this. I know I can trust Him. And I know the view is so much better when I do.

xoxo

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Thankful :: May 2014 Edition

This month's thankful post is so needed. It has been a rough month. Today I'll spare you a photo of our AC unit that went out again.  I'll spare you photos (that don't actually exist) of Crosbi in time-out or throwing major tantrums and behaving in ways that make both of us cry. Life can be hard. Raising kids is hard. Dealing with finances (or lack thereof) is hard. Watching friends lose loved ones is so, very hard and this month we have felt the pain of all of these things.

With BSF over for the year, I have started a She Reads Truth study. The ladies that write the devotionals are anointed for sure. I'm not doing the current study. I decided to go back and study 1 and 2 Peter and it has been just what I need (I love when God does that). Today in my quiet time my mind began to wander and I began to feel sorry for myself. I was bummed that we may have to cancel our beach vacation to pay for home repairs. I was feeling like a horrible mom because I'm ready for Crosbi to be back in preschool. I should enjoy every day spent with her, right? I was frustrated and questioning God's goodness. Why is cancer allowed to steal and destroy?

One line in my devotional really spoke to me: "If Christ himself couldn't escape persecution on earth, who are we to think we should?" 

For context, the scripture today was referring to how we are to treat those that speak and act harshly towards us. But I think we could replace the word persecution with sin or humanity. Christ couldn't escape the evil (sin) and hardships of this world, so why should we think we should? 

But the great news is that He overcame the world, and in Him we can find joy, even in the midst of struggle.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

One of the ways I find peace is by looking through the photos I have taken and reminding myself of the good. Because even in the dark, there is so much good. I have so much to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for sunny days and trips to the park.

For a girl who thinks McDonald's is just an "indoor park" that happens to have French fries.

For dinners outside. Nearly all of our meals in the summer are grilled. 

For zoo dates with these two.

For walks and flowers to pick on our neighborhood trail.

For a little girl who crawls in my bed and cuddles with her daddy.

For the chance to see my grandparents. I'm really blessed to have them. I know their trips will become fewer and far between, and I treasured the time with them.

For new tricycles and a little girl who was is already a pro rider!

For best friends and their babies. It is so fun watching our kiddos grow up together.

May definitely had its highs and lows, but I'm sure thankful for this life I live.

xoxo

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