July 10, 2011

21 Weeks

I am officially past the halfway mark and to be honest, the fear is starting to set in. Friends and family are using the phrase, "It won't be long!" when what I would rather hear most days is, "You've got lots of time!"

I know all new mothers have their fears and worries, but I feel so unprepared. I've never been a baby person. I know nothing about babies. Yes, I worked in a daycare for two years in high school and college and worked in childcare at our church back home, but I was always with the two and three year olds. There's not a toddler I can't handle. But a newborn? I don't have a clue. It's not helping that I beat myself up over this. When I hold a baby and he/she cries, I immediately give myself the third degree. "What were you thinking? You don't know what you're doing! You're going to be horrible at this." I'm my own worst enemy. Am I crazy for wishing that this little girl inside of me would decide to stay in until she's about 14 months old?

I'm known to watch shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant (trashy TV I know), but sometimes it can be so therapeutic. If these teenage girls can figure out what to do with an infant, surely I can, right? I'm nearly twice their age with a supportive husband and an amazing community. I have no reason to fear. But still, I'm nervous. Hoping my motherly instincts will kick in very soon.

To my mom friends - is it normal to feel this way? Will it come to me naturally when my little one arrives? Or should I be taking every childcare course I can fit in between now and November 16th?

Thankfully I have lots of wonderful distractions to keep my mind occupied in the mean time. I love feeling my little peanut kick. Her kicks and punches often make me laugh out loud. Calling her by name is wonderful. Thinking about her nursery takes up hours of my time searching for fabrics, furniture and paint colors. Debating what she might look like with Todd is entertaining. I think she'll be my little brown haired, brown eyed beauty. He's certain she'll be blonde like he was when he was little.

We're past the halfway mark. Nineteen weeks to go until our lives completely change forever. I'm so thankful we're not in this alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I'm already a firm believer. I just feel so unbelievably blessed that our village has stepped up and is excitedly awaiting our little girl's arrival.


  1. Cameron ThompsonJuly 10, 2011 at 8:58 PM

    Tara, I'm not a mother... But I don't think anyone is ever mentally prepared to have a child. I believe it just comes naturally. I know that you will be the best mother ever. I know this because you've protected me and watched out for my like a mother my whole life. I don't know what I'd do with out you. You look so beautiful! I love you so much!

  2. I remember being completely terrified leaving the hospital with Penelope. I worked in a daycare with newborns for over a year and even had newborns in my house for most of my childhood, but it's so different when that child is yours! You just want to be the best mom for your little one.

    Try not to beat yourself up. If you do have your little one and still feel that way, it will pass. There was this moment with Penelope where it just clicked and I finally understood her schedule (aka why she was crying...when she was ready to sleep/eat).

    The greatest part about it all is the instant, natural bond you will have with her once you two meet. Most of those worries you had during pregnancy will fade away. Of course, you'll have new ones, but they will all pass. If you have any questions along the way, you will find that other mommas are an amazing support group during your journey. I've gotten advice through facebook friends that totally changed things for me!

    Take a deep breath. You're doing a wonderful job!

  3. Oh I love reading this!! Your thoughts and reflections are wonderful, Tara. Don't worry! You're going to be an AMAZING mother. I would say that pretty much everyone feels the same way at some point holding their newborn - "what on earth do I do now?! I have no clue!" It's just part of it. You're meeting this new little person for the first time and you have to get to know her, how she operates, her own specific needs and desires. You'll learn as you go, and that's okay. Don't let people freak you out and give you horror stories before hand. EVERY baby is different. As her mom, you can trust your instincts as to what will work best for her. And when you mess up or misread things, just brush yourself off and start over :) His mercies are new every morning!

  4. P.S. Your belly pic is adorable! :)

  5. Tara, you will be an amazing mama! Your sweet baby girl is already forming a bond with you as she hears your voice and heart beat. Sometimes babies just reach a point when they need their mom, nothing against you or anyone holding them!...and you will be that person for this little one :) God chose you & Todd as mommy & daddy for this little girl...He will equip you to raise her! I agree, it takes a village, I'm thankful you're in my village as Jeff & I try our best to raise Brody <3 love you!

  6. coming from a Mama.... you can read and learn as much as you can pack into your brain, but until you have your little girl you will not know how to care for HER. Every baby is different and you do yourself a dis-service when you try to conform them all to act and have the same experiences. I know that you are a planner.... I am too, Tara. It did make me feel better to read books and get as much info as I could, but until I heard the different cries, or held Asher in my arms I could not fully understand what mothering really was. Specifically mothering MY child. Remember that God thought you and Todd would be the best parents for her, not the author of Baby Wise.
    In all honesty... with all the crazy hormones and lack of sleep, I was not able to REALLY "get it" until Asher was about 2 weeks old.
    This is a preliminary test... trust me, you will have to learn to relinquish some of that control to stay sane my dear. You will be fine! Love to you!!!

  7. Tara,

    I have to say first and foremost…. I love you blog!  I also am extremely jealous of you (mostly because I have baby fever), but none the less, I am enjoying reading about how life changes during this exciting time in your life.

    I am currently not a mommy, but hope to be one day. But I wanted to let you know that I think you and Todd are going to be great parents. I have felt this way from the first time that I met both of you and for the entire time I worked with Todd at the Buckle! You both have such good morals and values and you for sure have your heads screwed on straight! This little baby is going to be so blessed to have such loving, understanding, hip parents! Congrats to both of you again! I can’t wait to hear what else this pregnancy brings you and how life with a baby is for you!

    Lauren Rider

    P.S. Have you revealed the name of your little girl yet, or are you saving that for later?

  8. Sure there are lots of little things you could try to figure out ahead of time (point of view on schedules, where baby will sleep, nursing, etc..) but the truth is- you just have to take it as it comes. The more you think you know, the more you realize that you and your baby are a different duo than any other mama/baby duo out there. You can't possibly know all the answers until you two meet! You will be a fabulous mother and as soon as you meet your little girl it will be the most natural thing in the world. You can figure out all the little details as you go :-) You have much love and support when the questions come, so you don't need to worry another moment.
    P.S. I used to repel babies before i had one. I just looked at them and they would cry.