January 17, 2012

The In Between

At 9:18pm last night, Crosbi officially turned eight weeks old. I honestly don't know how two months have already gone by. In some ways it feels like C has been here for months, but at the same time, it feels like we just met. I guess that's because we're still getting to know each other. That's a hard concept. You would think since I carried her in my belly for nine months I would have her completely figured out, but instead each day I'm learning more about her. It's funny. She's the love of my life and still a stranger.

Right now I feel like I'm caught in the in between. I'm a mom, yet I don't really know what I'm doing, so that title seems unmerited. I'm not pregnant, but I still have 15 pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, so my body doesn't feel like my own. I'm spending the days soaking up my daughter, yet slightly missing the creative and social outlet of my job. I guess I don't really know who I am. I don't write this to gain sympathy. It's not a complaint. It's just a new way of life that I'm trying to get the hang of. The weeks immediately following Crosbi's birth were solely about survival. Now that I have a bit of routine (if you can call it that), I'm more aware of my new life. When they say, "A Baby Changes Everything." They're not kidding. Having a baby is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done. There are moments during the day when I want to go in the other room and scream in my pillow. But at the same time, being a mom is the most incredible thing I've ever done. After a day of nursing, changing diapers (I caught poop in my hand yesterday), peek-a-boo, etc., I feel like I haven't accomplished a thing. But then I catch a glimpse of Crosbi in her crib as she's going down for the night and I'm so proud I could burst. Such a strange thing, motherhood.

Some days, like today, are challenging. Crosbi is just like her dad when it comes to naps. She refuses to sleep during the day. The hard part is that I can see how tired she is, but she fights sleep. Thankfully she sleeps well during the night. I'm learning I have to pick my battles. Patience has never been a strength of mine. It looks like God is going to change that.

So here I am, eight weeks into my new identity. I'm learning a lot. That's an understatement. I'm learning more than I have in my entire life. I'm learning more about my daughter each day, but more than that, I'm learning about myself. The good, the bad and the ugly. I'm learning I can't do this alone.

I can't end this post without a picture of my Tink! Seriously, I have the cutest baby in the whole world.

And just to keep it real, I have to add this photo of Crosbi laughing. It's horribly blurry, but it makes me smile. I love that girl.

As soon as I find the time, I'll be back with Crosbi's two month update!


  1. I love that you caught poop in your hand. :) Pretty soon, you'll be able to juggle motherhood and work and life effortlessly, with grace and poise. :) I just know it.

    Thanks for sharing about how you're getting to know your little one. Crosbi is the luckiest girl to have you for her mommy. :) She is so cute!!!

  2. Love hearing all that you're learning in this new stage. (and your new talents--catching poop...wow.):-)

    Crosbi gets prettier and prettier, love seeing both you and Todd in her.

  3. C is just adorable!!! I always love reading ur blogs and seeing your pics!

  4. LOVE this! I remember those days so well! I wholeheartedly identify with the proud Mama feeling as well as the desire to scream into the pillow :)

  5. I'm about to enter this stage again... all to see even more things I need to work on and ask for strength and patience from above!
    It does get better... hang in there! Also, DO find some time to be a woman, with no baby on your hip... get with some friends and spend a little time for yourself! I know it's hard, but much needed!!! Especially at this time!

  6. I just saw this. I feel the same way as you. Know you're not alone. Looking forward to getting to catch up this week!