"I just turned thirty, and I'm finally willing to admit something about life, or at least about my life, and it's this: I should have written in pencil. I should have viewed the trajectory of my life as a mystery or an unknown. I should have planned lightly, hypothetically, and should have used words like "maybe" and "possibly." Instead, every chance I got, I wrote in stone and Sharpie. I stood on my future, on what I knew, on the certainty of what life would hold for me, as though it was rock. What I know now is that instead of rock, it's more like a magic carpet, a slippy-slidy-wiggly thing, full of equal parts play and terror. The ground beneath my feet is lurching and breaking, and making way for an entirely new thing every time I look down, surprised once again by a future I couldn't have predicted." - Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
Beautiful flowers from my sweet husband
First, I want to thank my amazing friends and sweet readers who left comments, called and e-mailed. I heard from friends I haven't talked to in months. Maybe I should unleash my desperation more often!
Second, the night I wrote my last post, I read a chapter in Cold Tangerines, titled "Writing in Pencil." I realized that I have done exactly the opposite of that in my life. Like Shauna, I'm constantly writing in stone. I don't want to do that so much anymore. I don't want another crisis/breakdown when I turn 30, 35, 40 or 50! I don't want to put unhealthy timelines on my future or goals that end up defining who I am instead of giving me a general direction to follow. I want to be flexible, because honestly, life doesn't fall into place like puzzle pieces. This year I want to let go. I want to enjoy the moment (something several of you lovingly made me realize I'm not doing). I don't want to get so caught up in the "What Ifs?" that I miss the Right Now. That's not an easy thing for me to do, but I want to give it a shot.
Yesterday I celebrated my birthday with wonderful friends. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I think about how loved I am. I felt especially loved last night.
A few shots from the evening:
I'm really looking forward to everything this new, more mature age has in store.