Why I Blog (Now)

To be completely honest, I can be a pretty insecure person. I am the queen of second guessing myself. From the things I say, to the clothes I wear, I'm constantly beating myself up.

"I shouldn't have said that."

"I'm too old to shop there."

"That person never e-mailed me back. Are they mad at me?"

Craziness.

So it should be no surprise that those voices would taunt me when it comes to blogging as well.  I mean, who cares what a day in my life looks like? I asked myself that after my last post. But the truth is, from the day I wrote my very first post, I told myself that this blog was for me and for friends and family who live far away and want an extra glimpse into our lives that phone calls and e-mails can't provide. The comments and page views are an added bonus, but not the reason I write here.

I was wrestling with why I blog the other night as I was putting Crosbi to bed. She had fallen asleep in my arms and I spent a few extra minutes holding her. The thought crossed my mind that if tragically something were to happen to me, she wouldn't remember me. She wouldn't have memories of our days filled with playing and snuggling. She wouldn't remember the sound of my voice or how it felt when I held her. And sadly, I can't recreate those things and bottle them up. But what she will know if one day she reads this blog, whether online or in print, is how much I love her. Maybe it's not so interesting how we spent a day to some, but I know Crosbi will love looking back at those photos one day. She'll cherish the words I wrote about her - how much I adore her and how much better she made my life. This is her blog. This is her digital baby book, because regardless if I post about her, or other things going on, they're still her memories.

I don't have any plans of going anywhere, and I hope to live until I'm over 100 like several of the women in my family, but knowing that this little space is for my little girl erases the doubt. It quiets the voices that say, "Who cares?" Because I care. Crosbi will care.

Seriously, that girl is rocking my world in the best way. Giving me confidence over and over.

The picture above is of Crosbi watching Baby Einstein for the first time. I don't let her watch TV much, but how cute is she? She's loving it!

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A Day In The Life

I've been toying with the idea of turning my blog into a book. Not the entire blog, but maybe one book to cover my pregnancy and another for Crosbi's first year. Blurb is a great site for turning your blog into a hardcover book and the more I browse the site, the more I think it would be really great to have a physical copy of my blog. Mainly because I've done a much better job of writing things down here than in my journal or Crosbi's baby book. Instead of going back and jotting everything down, it would be much easier to click "print!"

If I do decide to turn this little blog of mine into a book, I need to be a bit more intentional about capturing the everyday, not just the big moments. I know I'll document the big stuff, but it's the little things that are really special. The things we forget if we're not careful.

A good friend asked me the other day what a typical day is like for me now. I had to think about it for a minute.  I decided to document a day in my life to help remember those little things.

7:15am
Crosbi wakes up. This is maybe only the second time she has slept past 7am. What's really great about this morning is that she slept nearly 11 hours without being swaddled! We decided last night not to swaddle her, just to see how it would go. I went to bed early because I was confident that Crosbi would wake several times in the night. She just can't seem to stop touching her face. Lucky for me that wasn't the case and we both got lots of sleep! I got her out of bed and made a cup of coffee.

8:00am
After eating some breakfast and playing for a bit, it's time for a bath.

8:45am
Crosbi is already cranky. Apparently all that sleep wasn't enough. Time for a nap. I get Crosbi down, jump in the shower, tackle a few chores and respond to e-mail.

10:25am
Crosbi is awake. We play for a bit, she eats again and we get our things ready to go meet daddy for lunch.

11:30am
Lunch date with daddy! The weather was so nice, we decide to visit the food trucks and have a picnic.

1:00pm
Time to go. Crosbi falls asleep and I hit Sonic for an iced tea. I tried really hard not to have caffeine when I was pregnant, so I'm making up for lost time!

1:30pm
We arrive back home. Crosbi eats lunch, we have lots of playtime and I spend a good half hour just snuggling her. A friend and former co-worker just received some difficult news from the doctors about her almost two month-old little girl. Hearing that kind of news makes you hold on to your own baby a bit tighter.

3:00pm
Nap time. Again I do a few chores and catch up on a little bit of work. I also catch a few minutes of my guilty pleasure, The Ellen Show, and nearly wet myself from laughing so hard at this "Earth Day game." Too funny.

4:15pm
Crosbi is awake and hungry, but it's not quite time for her to eat a full meal. I give her some oatmeal to hold her over until dinner.

6:00pm
Daddy's home! Time for a quick dinner. Todd has plans to watch hockey with friends tonight, so frozen pizza it is (but it's a healthier version with spinach and feta, so I don't feel too bad).

7:00pm
A little reading before bed. Mud Pie for Mother is a current favorite.

8:00pm
Crosbi is asleep in her room. Time to pick up the house a bit, maybe read a blog or two, and relax. We do it all over again tomorrow.

Love these days with my girl!

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The Most Important Job

Several people have asked about my new gig as an (almost) stay at home mom. "I thought you loved your job," they say. "Isn't your job the reason you moved to Nashville?"

I did and it was.

There are days when I second guess myself. I'll meet old co-workers for lunch and hear of their fun stories and trips to resorts that I would have most definitely been on and ask myself, did I really do the right thing?

I've always been career focused. I used to picture myself as a successful business woman who wore pencil skirts and high heels. I would sit at my big desk in my corner office, coffee in hand. I would grab a salad in the company's cafeteria and workout in the onsite gym before heading to my loft apartment downtown. I wasn't going to think about marriage or babies until I was thirty.

Funny, most of those things never happened. I was married at age 22. I own one pencil skirt and I hate wearing heels. My company had neither a cafeteria nor a gym. I only lived downtown for one semester in college. Now I stay home raising my little girl. But I still consider myself career focused. I just have a different career. I'm very proud of my education and my work experience, and feel that both play a big role in my new job. Honestly, staying home is much more demanding than anything I did in the music industry.

I ran across this quote from one of my new favorite mom blogs, Styleberry, that has been very encouraging:

Educated women in the home? What an odd thing to deplore! What better place to have us “end up”. . . What more important job is there than sharing the values we are learning to cherish with the next generation of adults? What more strategic place could there be for the educated woman?

Edith F. Hunter

Yes, I technically gave up my dream job, but I'm applying the skills from that job to my new one - event planning, budgeting, etc. and hopefully setting an example of a strong work ethic for my daughter. I'm glad I worked hard for my education and had a career I loved before becoming a mom. I hope Crosbi will do the same.

I traded in the boardroom for bottles and fancy trips for diapers and onesies...

But I have the cutest boss you've ever seen!

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Crosbi: 4 Months

I love being a mom. I absolutely love it. While those words are easy to say for most, they're a big deal for me. I wasn't always sure motherhood was for me. I remember teasing my friends in high school in our "career opportunities" class that I was going to bring home so much more money than they would. Why? In our lesson on budgeting I had listed 0 children. Zero. I just didn't see myself having babies.

Fast forward fifteen years and here I am, an almost stay-at-home mom, loving every second of it. I've been a bit emotional lately as I think about how much Crosbi has grown. I'm often wiping away tears as Todd and I put her to bed. Some nights I could stay up all night holding her. Each day with her is the best day. Even days when she refuses to nap, spits up all over both of us right as we are walking out the door, has a diaper blowout so bad that I'm washing poo out of not just her clothes, but mine too, are the very best days. I wouldn't trade this season in my life for anything in the world.

My sweet four month old gets more beautiful everyday. She is feisty, that one. I have a feeling she's going to keep me on my toes!

• Weighing in at 16 pounds, 14.5 ounces and 26 inches long. "She's a whopper!" as my grandma says.
• She's really great at grabbing things. She'll grab just about anything you place in front of her now.  Those things immediately go into her mouth.
• She's *this* close to sitting up on her own. She's still a little wobbly, and leans a bit too far forward, but I think she'll be sitting soon.
• Sleeping a fairly consistent 10 hours each night. We're still swaddling her. I'm nervous to start weaning her, but we need to do it sooner than later. Sigh.
• Like her father and I, Crosbi is going to love listening to people tell stories. She is really interested in hearing people talk. I took her to a meeting at work this week, and she sat as still as could be on my lap, watching each person talk as if she was following right along.  

This past weekend we celebrated Crosbi's first Easter. Sunday morning I explained to her the importance of the Easter weekend. As we got ready for the day, we listened to Christ Is Risen and Glorious Day. I look forward to the day when Crosbi understands just how special Easter is and can say to me, "He is risen!"

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